Meaningless
by Usami
Summary: Unfortunately, what it all comes down to is the way you talk and the things you say come to define who you are.


Yup. I'm back!

I was rereading over some of my other Loonatics Unleashed stories and I noticed something one day. I ended up getting this idea, so I started writing it down. Done in a point of view, it kind of jumps around a lot. But...well, I know my thoughts jump around everywhere when I'm reflecting, so I think that makes this a little more realistic. Maybe...

And I'm really sure if this constitutes as 'angst', but it could be...I guess...If not, please don't hurt me.

Anyway, I'll let you read it now...

**Meaningless**

I'm pretty sure the others were looking for me right now. They haven't seen me since we had lunch earlier that afternoon. But after eating I had gone off to my room to think. I wonder if that would surprise them at all. Thinking and I weren't usually placed together in the same construct. But for some reason, today there was something pressing in the back of my mind that I wanted to reflect on.

I think…one of the biggest fears people have is being alone. And I'm really no different. I mean I'm only…well okay, so I'm not really human, but I'm human-_like_. I've grown around humans all my life, so I know what they're like and capable of. Plus, I can still think and feel the way they do. I can understand how and why things happen to make people feel a certain way, and I'm also affected by the events that happen around me. Even if I don't _look_ human, on a certain level of mentality I can relate to them. And just like many other people, I really don't like being all alone.

But I think being alone hurts the most when you're surrounded by other people. People that you could maybe talk to but you know you really can't because, in some way or another, you know that they'll never really understand you the way you want them to. The feeling of detachment from people who are right there is worse than anything.

That's the pool I find myself swimming in most of the time.

Sometimes…I think I should be used to this feeling by now. I've only lived with it almost my entire life, where the people around me don't understand me at all. Nor did most of them care to. Most of the people I knew were only interested in helping themselves. It didn't matter what happened to me so long as they got what they wanted.

That's probably what I hated the most about them. They didn't care much about anything other than their own welfare. They didn't care about who they stepped on or how other people felt. It didn't matter if I tried to tell them what I thought. To them, as with anyone else I came in contact with, my words meant nothing to them, so I was mostly either ignored or come across as annoying.

In general, I have a hard time connecting with anyone. People just couldn't understand me the way I wished they would. And I don't want to sound selfish by saying that everyone _needs_ to understand me. I just wish someone could.

I guess that's mostly my fault though. I can't really express myself like most people can. My words just have no meaning to everyone around me. So even if I do say what I think or feel, it doesn't matter because no one will understand. Either they can't or they don't want to take the time to try.

I had given up on people then. Not saying that I'd wish any kind of harm on them or anything. Just that I thought that I'd never find anyone who would bother to care about me at all.

At least I used to think that way before the meteor hit. Then I was given these powers (like I wasn't strange enough already), and I met the others that were almost like me, misunderstood and mostly alone. And we formed the Loonatics. We've had a lot of ups and downs, but mostly it's been all right.

Still…sometimes being with all of them is more painful than anything I've ever been through.

They were all my friends, and they were all important to me. After all, they've done what no one else wanted to do: They wanted to try and understand me. They wanted to know what I thought and how I felt…what I wanted my words to mean.

But…I don't know. Maybe that was part of the problem. They wanted to know what I'm saying, but just like everyone else around me, my words really mean nothing to them. And that's not their fault. I don't know if it's really mine either. I've been this way for as long as I could remember, and changing isn't really an option open to me right now. Not that I'd really want to change.

Nothing would ever change how much my friends mean to me, and I'll always protect them as long as I can. I just…wish I could talk to them the way I want to.

I really don't want to be selfish. After all, I'm sure there are times when all the others feel that they can't express themselves the way they would want to.

In Duck's case, most of the time we just don't take him too seriously, and he may think that if he expressed how he felt, we wouldn't take that seriously either. That wouldn't be true, but that might be what he thinks. And Tech, sometimes it's difficult for us to understand what he's talking about because of all the technical terms he uses. He could fear the same inability to grasp his meaning should he attempt to talk about anything he deems personally important.

For Rev, the fast pace he speaks sometimes makes it difficult to understand, especially when sometimes all his words tend to blend together. That difficulty on our part may prevent him from speaking about any troubles he could be having. Then with Lexi, being the only girl surrounded by five guys must be hard for her. There are going to be problems that she may feel can't be discussed with us because we really won't be able to connect with her in that aspect.

And then for Ace, being leader isn't as easy as he makes it look. Being able to take charge and make sure everything goes right…Essentially, to make sure we're going at our best, Ace has to be working at his best too, regardless of any of his own uncertainties and hesitations. Many of those apprehensions may go unvoiced because he could fear that we may lose faith in him to lead us otherwise.

Each of us has our own secrets, fears, doubts, and problems that afflict us. And we each have our own reasons why we don't – or feel we can't – share those problems with each other. But the difference with me is that, unlike all of them who can relate to each other through the words that they speak, even if I wanted to discuss my problems, I know that I really can't. What I say really has no meaning to them or the rest of the world. Most of what they hear from me are grunts and growls that indicate something I want to be heard. Heard…but unfortunately not really understood.

But that hasn't stopped me from trying. Over the past year, I've learned how to speak "properly" better than I have my entire life. I suppose it's because of the help and support of my friends, and because I really want them to know what's going on in my mind. So I've managed to pick up on certain words and phrases and, with a lot of work, pronounce them in a way that could be understood past the gruffness of a voice that had never spoken that way before.

It wasn't enough, though. Not to me. The words that I've learned just aren't enough to describe everything I'm thinking and feeling. Everything I wish I could say is still trapped behind an animalistic and primitive barrier that I've been stuck with just because my words are 'unintelligible'.

Unfortunately, what it all comes down to is the way you talk and the things you say come to define who you are. I can't even recall how many times that's happened to me. People simply assumed that I was stupid and didn't understand what they were saying just because I couldn't speak the way they do. Because the words that come out of my mouth have no real meaning, people came to perceive me the same way: meaningless.

Maybe not all people think that way. But most of the people I've come into contact with certainly have.

Which sometimes makes me wonder: What do my friends think of me? Do they think that the words that come from my mouth are the same as the ones thought up in my head? Do they think that, because I only speak in such a simple language, that the rest of me is just as simple? Have they ever thought that I don't think like they do because I don't talk like them?

Personally…I don't think they do. After all, they talk to me as normally as they would to anyone else. Don't they?

Still…there's so much about me that they don't know. That they _can't _know because that type of communication is closed off between them and me. The words that I _can _say don't help me with those issues. And though the others can _see _the things I do, and though they can sense _how _I feel, they can never really know _why_. They can make guesses, they can assume, but there will be a time when they won't be able to come up with an answer. So what do I do then? What can I do?

I know I should be grateful. The others are trying to understand, at least. No one's ever done that before. It's just…it can be rather lonely when everything you think and feel are kept locked away in a mind unable to properly express itself. People say that words aren't the only way to get your meaning across, but in a place where language is so important, not being able to speak is still a problem.

And yet I know, despite everything I've gone through and everything that's happened to me, I'm still pretty lucky. I mean…I may have met up with them all later than I wished to, but at least I have friends who are willing to try and know me. There are so many people out there who know how to speak the way I wish I could, but still continue to go unheard. The type of loneliness that they feel is probably worse than my own.

So I'll keep learning and trying to speak so that the others can understand me better. It'll be hard (especially since it's taken me a year to get the hang of the little I do know), but I'll keep trying. My friends deserve that much at least. They've helped me through so much. And even though they don't really understand me, they talk to me, they include me, they ask for my opinion, they help me, and they care for me. It's the first time I've ever really felt as though I was part of something. It's taught me a lesson that I will never forget.

Before, the people I knew never cared to bother with me because they couldn't understand me. And for a while, I thought maybe that's the way it was supposed to be. That, because I didn't talk like everyone else, I was supposed to be alone. And that was a thought that really frightened me. After all, why should people take the time to understand what I was saying when the words I spoke were so different than what they knew? Why should they waste their time on me?

But after being with the others, I've learned that just because _the words_ I speak were meaningless to others, it doesn't make _me _worthless.

**The End**

Tadah! What do you think? I rather like the way it turned out.

Rereading over my other Loonatics Unleashed stories, I noticed that I didn't really have much dialogue for Slam. It made me rather sad as I concluded that the reason that happened was because he doesn't talk coherently. And I began thinking: What would it be like for Slam, always being with people but never being able to really talk to them? The more I thought about it, the sadder I got. Surely Slam couldn't be so simple-minded that all they ever show him is that he eats, makes fun of Duck, and fights with the others. It made me wonder what did _he _think about?

So...that's where this story came from. I hope it wasn't too bad. Please review (and no flames if it can be helped)! Thank you!


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